Quit chasing “the one”
Focus on the journey, not the goal
Hey there —
How do you feel about the concept of having a “one true love”?
According to a 2021 poll, 60% of Americans believe in the idea of soulmates. 💑
No, we haven’t decided to launch a Snail Mail Singles app. But we would like to talk to you about what you’re looking for in a long-term relationship…with your goals.
Because whether it’s the idea that there’s one person out there destined to be your happily-ever-after, or that reaching a million subscribers will fulfill you as a filmmaker, these beliefs can leave us in danger of falling for the “arrival fallacy.”
The “arrival fallacy” (a term coined by Harvard psychologist Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar), is the belief that if we can attain or accomplish a particular goal, we’ll finally be, and remain, happy.
As romantic as it might sound, having a “soulmate” mentality can actually put unhealthy expectations on a relationship. In the same way, when we need our career, latest creative project, or new habit to be “the one” to fulfill all our hopes and dreams and bring us eternal happiness, our creativity and mental health can buckle under the pressure.
We become so focused on success that we forget what we loved about our career or creative pursuits, or why we set those goals in the first place. Or we cling to our goals, afraid to make a change even when something isn’t working or our priorities or interests have shifted.
According to Dr. Ben-Shahar, the best way to avoid falling for the arrival fallacy is to give the journey more attention than the goal.
“Attaining lasting happiness requires that we enjoy the journey on our way toward a destination we deem valuable. Happiness is not about making it to the peak of the mountain nor is it about climbing aimlessly around the mountain; happiness is the experience of climbing toward the peak.”
There’s nothing wrong with wanting, or aiming for, a particular destination. But it’s what you experience and who you become along the way that matters most.
And when this journey outweighs the goal, you can release unhealthy expectations, perfectionism, and the need to have your whole life figured out by the time you graduate (or ever).
Despite any cultural or societal pressure to find “the one” — be that a romantic partner, a professional calling, or the perfect viral video — none of these are required for you to have a great life.
Let go of the idea that any single achievement will bring you ultimate fulfillment or happiness…and you might just find both. 🥰
Maybe you actually do know what to do with your life
by Jess Janz
In this quick and beautiful read, Jess Janz (writer and self-proclaimed queen of “I just have to figure out what I’m doing with my life”) contemplates hopes, dreams, and the questions we’re all asking ourselves.
And she’s got some good news: you’re already discovering the answers, every day, in so many big and small ways. (In fact, you’re probably “figuring it out” right now.)
Orbit - A home for creators
by Valentin Farkasch
This brand-new, community-focused YouTube channel from Valentin Farkasch looks to take viewers on a journey of the creative process by exploring a diverse mix of creators, their spaces, and their individual paths to success.
Not only is Valentin a Slow Growth Master YouTube alum, so are each of the guests on Orbit’s first season. First up, a Tour of David Ritt's ultra-functional music production studio — premiering today!
Trust the process
By The Good Trade
Need a reminder to trust the process and be gentle with yourself this week?
This playlist is here to lend you some encouragement. (And so are we — you’re doing great! 🤗)
🎧 Hamish Blake's How Other Dads Dad podcast is full of lots of great interviews with dads about their experience and lessons learned over the years. Matt says, “It's been a great guide in my first two months of dad-dom.”
📣 The "What's Your FAMILY DRAMA Style?" episode of We Can Do Hard Things with guest Nedra Glover Tawwab is a super interesting chat about family confrontation that offers tools to respond to your loved ones in a more effective way.
📼 The Super Mario Bros. movie will have you feeling like a 90s kid again with a genuinely funny and entertaining storyline. And the remixes of all the songs from specific games is sure to activate your nostalgia even more.
📚 Grady Hendrix’s latest horror novel, How to Sell a Haunted House, somehow manages to weave a heartfelt story of family relationships into a terrifying tale involving creepy puppets. It’s perfect for your spooky season reading list.
Written by Ashley Martin
Edited by Matt D'Avella